CHRISTIAN GIRL VS. SINGLE GIRL

Road trips & constant rainy skies cause the gears in my brain to move. Over the past few days I’ve been in deep contemplation & reflection. All kinds of things have run through my mind. Reflection on my recent past relationship & how & why it ended & what has come of me since. Where I’ve been, where I am going, where I want to go. Who I’ve been, who I’ve been becoming, who I want to become.


I’ve started dreaming on a regular basis again. Ever since I ended things with Tyler, my dreams have been few & far between with little memorable detail. That pattern is strange for me because I generally have extremely elaborate dreams. This is one thing that I enjoy about myself. My dream imagination or whatever you want to call it. I love remembering my dreams in the morning, thinking about their story, what they could mean, & talking about them. When I don’t remember my dreams or if they are mediocre, I feel like something is wrong. Maybe I’m just getting back to the true me. The me I discover every time I get back to the basics & start working on improving myself.


One thing that came from my long weekend road trip alone was that I need to sit down & actually read “The Celestine Prophesy.” I saw the movie a few years ago & it really hit close to my heart because that’s sort of how I’d always looked at the world, God, & spirituality. Around the time I watched the movie was when I discovered that I am a (Christian) mystic. I think I could maybe further some thoughts I have through reading the book. I also want to get back to personal bible study, whether weekly or daily. Eventually I would like to have personal spiritual time/bible study every day, but I don’t think it’s very realistic to think that I could start & continue each day. I need to build up to that.


Well I ought to get down to the subject at hand; the topic that has been impenetrable in my mind over the last…well approximately 5 months since I broke up with Tyler: Christian girl vs. single girl. The 3 main reasons why I ended things: he had made very little effort in our relationship for approximately a year, deep down I knew I could never marry him because he is not a Christian, & I needed some time to myself since I had been in one or another serious relationship since I was 13. So it turns out that as soon as I was single again, it became very difficult to stay that way. Guys who have interest in me just started coming out of the woodworks. I cannot deny that I am flattered by this, but mostly it’s just confusing and annoying for me. It’s confusing because I have had at least a little bit of feelings for every one of them. As for one or two of them, I’ve found it could be something really great. I’ve had my feelings hurt & I’ve hurt feelings. It’s annoying because I am trying to stay single for purposes of bettering myself & defining what God wants me to be doing & to get on track with both of those goals. I have tentative plans to go far away on mission work for extended periods of time & I do not want to fall in love until I have returned & reached another part of the transitional stage in my life. Really the only reason why this is hard is because I have feelings for someone who has feelings for me. It’s hard to not pursue something like that. I’m not quite sure I want to. But I also don’t want to date someone because I’m trying to fill a void of the missing feelings that come with being in a relationship. Ok, now I feel too annoyed with this to think any more on it right now.


Great things about my life now:
-I am improving my relationship with several different people: Chelsea, Ash, Katie, Amy, Kelly, Ryan, & Alison. Some people I would love to reconnect & become closer with again: Eric, Paul, Percy, Sami. It’s just hard to maintain so many close friendships & try to give everyone a good amount of attention when I have so much going on.

-Activities that I totally love: InterAct bible study, hanging out with the youth group (I am totally stoked to spend a week with them & Brad & Kirby in July), being productive & interactive at work, organizing & arranging a room to get it just how I want, hanging out with my parents, having alone time…most of the time on random joyrides in my lil red Cavalier, joking around & laughing with my co-workers & boss-lady, hanging around & watching movies & goofing around with friends, being friends with couples who are just a bit older than me-I learn a lot & have a lot to look up to & look forward to, web-camming, drinking coffee in the morning (especially when I feel like I’ve had enough sleep), listening to DMB with the windows rolled down & the sun shining down on me.

-Being scared & excited about the future at the same time. I’m in a stage of life where the possibilities are pretty endless….

-Having so many questions. When I get one answered, 5 more pop up. Oh the joyous wonders of life.

-Having 2 ministers not far away from my age that I can talk to about anything & learn sooo much from.



That is all for now. I am feeling a very contemplative blogging session coming up tonight. Stay tuned.