You have stolen my heart.

A thick, deep, constant pain in my chest around where my heart is. This is what we call heartbreak. Throughout my short 21 years, I've had the unfortunate opportunity to experience several forms of heartbreak. The death of a loved one, the loss of a first love, the loss of additional loves, and the disappointment of failure of oneself, just to name a few. The current stabbing ache in my heart comes from a new kind of heartache for me. The loss of a best friend, due to physical relocation. I've had very close/best friends move away before, but both those times were different, they were within an hour or two's drive. This time it's a plane ride. This time it's a continuous move. It's a never knowing where they'll be next, never knowing when I'll be able to see their face, hear their voice. This time it's Percy. Telling me he's joined the Navy and leaves at the end of January. This time it's him finally telling me I'm one of the few people he trusts after a year of trying to prove to him that I am trustworthy. Tonight was the most important night of our relationship. I was just getting to think after an awesome night of things being exactly how they used to be with our friendship and hanging out, that I was emerging into a new, better, healthier, and happier phase. I was wrong. It's been ripped out of my hands, before I could fully grip it. Like a poor child given a Christmas present; the very thing they wanted. The child opens the present, prepares to play with it, and it is taken away forever. I was on the verge of bliss. Bliss got pushed over a cliff. Hope of furthering and strengthening a friendship, and spending tons of new time with my best friend, my P Boy, soon to be over until...well only God knows. That's what has broken my heart today. Happy Christmas, Jenna.

My Thanks Giving the week before

Some things I'm thankful of this week, mostly relating to being sick:

• Nerf gun target practice competitions at work on slow Friday's
  

• Sickness/Pain/Fever Relieving Meds:

• Orange Juice

• Physician's Assistants (mine is Mari Janko-I looove this lady):

• Campbell's Chicken Noodle/Tomato Soup

• Tuna Melts:

• Walgreens 1-Hour Photo Service:

• Toothpaste

• DVR

• My sweet, loving, attentive boyfriend

• Scrapbooking:

• Learning to drive a manual transmission

Intuition

Intuition. It's a funny thing. From what I've experienced, mine's always been almost dead on.
Examples? Man, I don't have examples. The thing is, when you're caught up in what your intuition is telling you, you can't think of much else, not past-especially not past-maybe not even future. All you can think of is what your gut is telling you, what your heart is hurting about. I think intuition is sort of a God insight, an enlightenment from God about something going on around you. Something like that.

Anyway my intuition is acting up. It's really bothering me. Not without reason, not without cause. But it causes worry and heartache.

Ugh, get out of my head. Get out of my heart.

SEND MY SOUL AWAY

Monday: Work. Class. Work. Homework. Bowling. William. Sleep.
Tuesday: Work. Class. Home. Short relaxation. Procrastination. Homework & William. Sleep.
Wednesday: Work. Class. Work. Homework. Class. William. Sleep.
Thursday: Work. Class. Home. Short relaxation. Homework & William. Sleep.
Friday: Work. Class. Work. Relaxation with William. Sleep.
Saturday: Occasional sleeping in. Laying around the house. Feeling like crap from procrastinating doing more homework. Occassional scrapbooking. Friends/Family/and/or William. Sleep Sunday: most likely on sound so Church at 9:20-12:30ish. Lunch. Nap/Homework. Meeting. Youth Group. Homework. Sleep.

All the above= a lot of: Exhaustion. Busyness. School. Homework. Work. Frustration. Worry. Anxiety. Slight depression. Church. God. Peacefulness. Bill. Happiness. Love. Adventure. Good Anxious. Guilt. Loneliness.

Things that consume my life since the new semester has begun.

I am getting worn out. I don't know how much more I can take. Why did I think I could do 5 classes at once, especially when most of the semesters I've barely finished 2? I am too busy outside of school alone, to make it possible for me to be on track. I haven't been on track since the semester started. Now I'm beginning which ones of my classes I will actually pass. It's depressing thinking that I may/possibly/probably still not have my associates after this semester. Even if I don't have it, if SIUE will take me, I'm going there next semester. I'm sick of feeling like a failure here.

On to more positive notes.

1. I've been feeling a deeper/better connection with God. I have been making better efforts towards that. That warms my soul.
2. William, and my relationship with him, is much more wonderful and intense than either one of us could have anticipated. We feel like God has brought us together and that makes things very pleasant and blessed. We are trying to better ourselves and each other and do a pretty good job of keeping each other accountable. Example: Bill has helped me to stop cussing. He doesn't like it when people cuss around him and he had really wanted me to stop. I admit that I had gotten out of hand with it, with the friends I was hanging around with, it had become just a regular part of my speech and I found that when I was trying to be more Christ centered, some times it was hard not to cuss just because I was so used to it. There wasn't any particular reason for my doing so, cussing that is. Just habit I guess. It was a nasty habit though and even I, myself, had started to realize all that, especially when I started dating William. Anyway I find now that I barely say one cuss word every couple days whereas before I may have said one or thought one every couple minutes when I messed up, got frustrated, was in a hurry, got mad or something of that nature. He said to me just the other day that it had been hard for him to picture me as a minister. He was the only one who had ever said that to me, but I know for a fact that he's not the only person who has thought that. He followed by saying that it had gotten easier for him to grasp the concept because of my improvements over the last month & a half. He sees me being more Christ-like, which I've been making a lot of effort towards-but as I am human-sometimes it's a slow process. He said you don't drink to get drunk, and if you do drink at all it's one here and there every once in a blue moon. He said you've basically stopped cussing, with a few exceptions here and there. He gave some other reasons but I honestly can't remember right now.

This is all I can think of to write about right now. It's been good to get some things off my mind. If I have the time I'm going to try to blog more often.

I've been pretty bored of the internet lately. I sit at a computer all day long during the work week, infront of a computer. It seems that when I get home, I enjoy perusing the internet & updating my social networks a great amount less than I used to. I just want to go out with friends and live life rather than talking about it.

I've had some updates in my life since the last time I've posted on here. Major things going on with me:
*I have a new boyfriend: William Matthew Kindig, aka Bill. Here's our story: We were dedicated @ UABC together when we were babies, we went to preschool together & were each others first boyfriend/girlfriend in preschool & first kiss, LOL! We always knew each other but not really well. We each had a crush on each other it seems most of our lives. Chelsea ended up having a class @ LC with Bill last semester & they started studying together, so Bill & I started talking again & hanging out & it turned out that we each liked each other. We dated a few months ago for a very short time because I was not really ready to be exclusive with anyone. So we decided to just be friends & ended up being one of each others best friends. Long story short, months later I brought up the conversation of us having feelings for each other. It turns out that we had both prayed a lot about the situation & about each other. We decided that we would date again. We decided to be exclusive. Pretty much in the last week and a half I have been happier than I have been in a very, very long time. Some fun facts about Bill that I love: He is absolutely the sweetest guy I have ever dated. He is such a sweet talker all the time to me. We are pretty different personalities: he is very shy & introverted & I am, well very much not that. That's something that could end up being an issue but the thing we like about that difference is that I tone him up in the outgoing part & he tones me down a little bit. Also that we seemed to be compatible, despite that we are very different. We fit very well together. I have felt more comfortable around him in general for the last few months than I have with anyone. We feel comfortable to talk about anything with each other. He makes me laugh, a lot. I find myself unable to stop smiling a lot when I think about him or us. We both feel very blessed by God that He brought us together. Bill is a Christian & I've never really been able to share spirituality with a boyfriend before. He is very caring & attentive. He enjoys when I introduce him to my friends. He likes that I want him to stop smoking & that I make him wear his seat belt always. Anyway that's my new boyfriend. Yay God.

*I registered for classes @ LCCC for the fall semester. I have pretty much not done the school thing in like a whole year. I've registered for classes & even started them in the past year, but I haven't completed one of them. I dealt with a very bad Seasonal Affective Disorder-seasonal depression last year & to be honest I didn't do a whole lot of anything during that slump. Something I learned about myself last year: that I have had seasonal depression every fall/winter that I can remember in my life, I need to take medication for it mostly because it is that severe & debilitating. I have had to look past a lot of pride in this endeavor to realize that what is best for my mental/physical health is to take the medicine. I was off of the antidepressants most of this year, I stopped them in March I think. I have recently gotten back on them because I had started to feel myself beginning some of the patters that ease me back into the depression. I will not let it defeat me. I will not let it ruin another semester where I'm supposed to be finishing a semester/school. Anyway that was kind of two updates in one: I registered for classes & am determined to finish because this semester is actually about me instead of me trying to please other people by going to school, which is pretty much why I didn't care & failed before & also that I am back on my antidepressants.

*I haven't spoken to my brother Lee in now 3-4 weeks, I can't remember now. The last time I spoke to him was on my birthday. He was a complete jerk to me & I am just really mad & I feel like anything that I say to him is useless & it doesn't matter to him any amount of effort that I give, he still feels like I abandoned him. I haven't had the desire yet to let down my pride & just talk to him & apologize for any lack of effort I've given. Anyway, I almost just feel numb about it. I'm used to having brothers not in my life mostly.

Well that's pretty much all I can think about right now. That's all the big stuff. I thought I would update the world. I'm sure I'll get back into blogging on a regular basis from here on out. I'm out.

Baptism

The summer breeze, made ripples on the pond
Rattled through the reeds and the willow trees beyond
Daddy in his good hat, mama in her Sunday dress
Watched with pride, as I stood there in the water up to my chest
And the preacher spoke about the cleansing blood
and I sank my toes into that East Tennessee mud

Then it was down with the old man, up with the new
Raised to walk in the way of light and truth
I didn't see no angels, just a few saints on the shore
But I felt like a newborn baby, cradled up in the arms of the Lord

Amazing grace, oh how sweet the sound
There was glory in the air, there was dinner on the ground
And my sins which were many, were washed away and gone
Along with a buffalo nickel I forgot to leave at home
But that seemed like such a small, small price to pay
For the blessed peace of mind that came to me that day

And it was down with the old man, up with the new
Raised to walk in the way of light and truth
I didn't see no angels, just a few saints on the shore
But I felt like a newborn baby, cradled up in the arms of the Lord

This road is long and dusty, sometimes the soul it must be cleansed
And I long to feel that water, rushing over me again

Down with the old man, up with the new
Raised to walk in the way of light and truth
I didn't see no angels, just a few saints on the shore
But I felt like a newborn baby, cradled up in the arms of the Lord
I felt like a newborn baby, cradled up in the arms of the Lord

Kenny Chesney & Randy Travis

Gracious God

Not wanting to copy off Alison, but still showing God & the world gratitude for some things that make me happy.....

· Ryan being home & coming to see me @ work today. :D
· Chelsea going to college Bible study wit me last night & having a good time.
· Percy telling me he misses me too. Even though we haven’t really seen each other lately, he’s still letting me in enough to tell me the major things bothering him.
· Hearing from a friend that they may be feeling the call into ministry & me being able to give simple guidance to them.
· Kelly telling me he will be raising his daughter going to church regardless of what her mother thinks.
· My friends liking my parents.
· My parents liking my friends.
· Having more privacy than expected when I have friends over.
· Meredith getting excited about the good possibility of doing her first vehicle loan though State Farm Bank for a customer.
· Amy’s excitement about having an appointment for something that will make her very happy.
· Getting to spend a whole week hanging out with the youth group on mission trip.
· Listening to music I love @ work.
· Finding a pair of really cute shoes that I didn’t remember that I owned!
· Country music in the summer with the windows down, hair blowing in the wind.
· Movie marathons with Bill, even if we both fall asleep during #2 of 3.
· Becoming better friends with Bill.
· Getting $10 Incubus tickets & being able to spend another great concert with my best friend….3 days before my bday.

CHRISTIAN GIRL VS. SINGLE GIRL

Road trips & constant rainy skies cause the gears in my brain to move. Over the past few days I’ve been in deep contemplation & reflection. All kinds of things have run through my mind. Reflection on my recent past relationship & how & why it ended & what has come of me since. Where I’ve been, where I am going, where I want to go. Who I’ve been, who I’ve been becoming, who I want to become.


I’ve started dreaming on a regular basis again. Ever since I ended things with Tyler, my dreams have been few & far between with little memorable detail. That pattern is strange for me because I generally have extremely elaborate dreams. This is one thing that I enjoy about myself. My dream imagination or whatever you want to call it. I love remembering my dreams in the morning, thinking about their story, what they could mean, & talking about them. When I don’t remember my dreams or if they are mediocre, I feel like something is wrong. Maybe I’m just getting back to the true me. The me I discover every time I get back to the basics & start working on improving myself.


One thing that came from my long weekend road trip alone was that I need to sit down & actually read “The Celestine Prophesy.” I saw the movie a few years ago & it really hit close to my heart because that’s sort of how I’d always looked at the world, God, & spirituality. Around the time I watched the movie was when I discovered that I am a (Christian) mystic. I think I could maybe further some thoughts I have through reading the book. I also want to get back to personal bible study, whether weekly or daily. Eventually I would like to have personal spiritual time/bible study every day, but I don’t think it’s very realistic to think that I could start & continue each day. I need to build up to that.


Well I ought to get down to the subject at hand; the topic that has been impenetrable in my mind over the last…well approximately 5 months since I broke up with Tyler: Christian girl vs. single girl. The 3 main reasons why I ended things: he had made very little effort in our relationship for approximately a year, deep down I knew I could never marry him because he is not a Christian, & I needed some time to myself since I had been in one or another serious relationship since I was 13. So it turns out that as soon as I was single again, it became very difficult to stay that way. Guys who have interest in me just started coming out of the woodworks. I cannot deny that I am flattered by this, but mostly it’s just confusing and annoying for me. It’s confusing because I have had at least a little bit of feelings for every one of them. As for one or two of them, I’ve found it could be something really great. I’ve had my feelings hurt & I’ve hurt feelings. It’s annoying because I am trying to stay single for purposes of bettering myself & defining what God wants me to be doing & to get on track with both of those goals. I have tentative plans to go far away on mission work for extended periods of time & I do not want to fall in love until I have returned & reached another part of the transitional stage in my life. Really the only reason why this is hard is because I have feelings for someone who has feelings for me. It’s hard to not pursue something like that. I’m not quite sure I want to. But I also don’t want to date someone because I’m trying to fill a void of the missing feelings that come with being in a relationship. Ok, now I feel too annoyed with this to think any more on it right now.


Great things about my life now:
-I am improving my relationship with several different people: Chelsea, Ash, Katie, Amy, Kelly, Ryan, & Alison. Some people I would love to reconnect & become closer with again: Eric, Paul, Percy, Sami. It’s just hard to maintain so many close friendships & try to give everyone a good amount of attention when I have so much going on.

-Activities that I totally love: InterAct bible study, hanging out with the youth group (I am totally stoked to spend a week with them & Brad & Kirby in July), being productive & interactive at work, organizing & arranging a room to get it just how I want, hanging out with my parents, having alone time…most of the time on random joyrides in my lil red Cavalier, joking around & laughing with my co-workers & boss-lady, hanging around & watching movies & goofing around with friends, being friends with couples who are just a bit older than me-I learn a lot & have a lot to look up to & look forward to, web-camming, drinking coffee in the morning (especially when I feel like I’ve had enough sleep), listening to DMB with the windows rolled down & the sun shining down on me.

-Being scared & excited about the future at the same time. I’m in a stage of life where the possibilities are pretty endless….

-Having so many questions. When I get one answered, 5 more pop up. Oh the joyous wonders of life.

-Having 2 ministers not far away from my age that I can talk to about anything & learn sooo much from.



That is all for now. I am feeling a very contemplative blogging session coming up tonight. Stay tuned.

I AM BLESSED

My family and I are very thankful and fortunate that my brother, Lee, has stayed safe in Afghanistan thusfar. I do not feel like saying things like this are jinx’s because I am stating what has happened in the past. I also believe that what God has planned will take place, so you also cannot stop the inevitable.

I am blessed to have family & friends that will be brutally honest with me.

I am blessed to have a female cousin that I can connect with like a sister. I am blessed because despite the distance that has always separated us, we only grow closer.

I am blessed by the gift of the five senses. I am able to experience the Lord’s magnificence by seeing nature, hearing music, smelling the scents of spring/summer, tasting a pineapple, touching a friend.

I am blessed to have a friend that, despite all the terrible things between us, is still willing to work on becoming great friends again.

I am blessed to have coworkers that I can silly times with everyday.

I am blessed to be qualified in an area of expertise that will always exist while I have to worry about needing a job.

I am blessed to be able to save people money & give them a sense of security.

I am blessed for the mind God has given me & the continuous array of questions that it produces.

I am blessed with loving, understanding, & hospitable parents.

I am blessed to be able to meet new customers today.

I believe ALWAYS

Sunday, May 24, 2009
Current mood: contemplative

I allowed God to break down a personal comfort barrier today.
When you push yourself, you grow stronger.



Meet my weaknesses with your infinite strength.
Meet my hurts with your healing touch.
Meet my doubts with your compassionate truth.
Meet my apathy with anticipation for Jesus' return.
Meet my excuses with your challenge to grow up in my faith.
Meet my pride with your overwhelming glory.
Meet my guilt with your forgiving love.
Meet my darkness with your shadow-chasing light.
Meet my sorrow with your uplifting joy.
Meet my prayer with a fresh breath of your Spirit.



Holy Spirit, use us.
Use us to demonstrate the extent of your love.
Use us to accomplish your work in this world.
Use us to help each other love you better.
Use us to help people know Jesus.
Holy Spirit, use us.

I should go & this should end.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Current mood:conflicted

I don't know what I want. I take that back, I know exactly what I want. I just can't have exactly what I want. I can either settle for one thing or another.

Someone once told me that I make things more difficult in life than need be. That same person also told me that people chose the easiest option. That part of me that makes things more difficult, is the same part of me that hates being like everyone else & strays from the norm, just to be something special, something different, something uniquely me. This is my rebellion. This is my individuality. My independence. My path.

I don't know. You couldn't.

Only three strings hold me back. How thin are they? How strong? Every ounce of my being pushes against them. Pushes to the road less travelled. Will I cut them? What will I allow myself to risk? Will I allow myself to risk? Or will I allow the strings to become stronger & the push less?

Sight is stronger than any word.

Could this song fit any better? Dave always speaks to/for me.

To change the world, start with one step
However small, the first step is hardest of all
Once you get your gait, you'll be walkin' tall
You said you never did, cuz you might die tryin'
Cuz you might die tryin', cuz you...

If you close your eyes cuz the house is on fire
And think you couldn't move until fire dies
The things you never did, oh, cuz you might die tryin'
Cuz you might die tryin', you'd be as good as dead
Cuz you might die tryin', cuz you might die tryin'

If you give, you begin to live
If you give, you begin to live
You begin, you get the world
If you give, you begin to live
You get the world, you get the world
If you give,YOU BEGIN TO LIVE, YOU MIGHT DIE TRYIN'
Oh you might die tryin', you might die tryin'
The things you never did, oh cuz you might die tryin'
You'd be as good as dead
The things you never did


Safe? or Extraordinary?

Have I ever taken a risk in my whole life?

I find some peace tonight. In the arms of an angel, fly away from here.

Currently listening:
Stand Up
By Dave Matthews Band
Release date: 2005-05-10

gonna make such fools of ourselves

Monday, May 18, 2009
Current mood: adventurous

I have officially found the strength that I needed. I have overcome some difficult temptation & I am very proud of myself for it. I will continue on this path as my life/my soul does depend upon it.

How in the hell did I get myself into a long distance relationship? Oh I know...starting to date & like him before he left for Cali 4 a bit....Anyway, despite that...I find myself enjoying this facet of my life. He'll be home soon enough & I can finally look in his eyes, hug, & kiss him again. I can't wait.

So on Facebook I created one of those "How well do you know Jenna Nelson" quizzes. I made the questions really tricky. My best friend got a 33%. Ergo, good luck world. LOLZ.---it just made me giggle to type LOLZ

Got to see my best friend's face tonight for the first time in a long time thanks to Skype. What a wonderful invention. What a blessing. I am officially going to buy a webcam to attach onto my laptop tomorrow. I need more time like that with KTK, my best friend & love of my life & soul mate.

Random fun fact: my favorite color combination is brown & light blue/teal. Has been for a long time. Hasn't changed. Just got my new bible in that layout. That excites me.

I am finding my way back to old friends & completely loving it.

This is one prominent time when being an insomniac sucks hardcore. I have to work at 8:30 in the morning & it is now 2am...& here I linger. I guess I ought to try the whole "going to bed" thing. Much love, out.



Currently listening:
Twilight Soundtrack
Release date: 2008-11-04

Transformation

So earlier I discussed several reasons why I've been having a tough week. Now you'll see how my week was turned around with one spectacular day.

• People in my life still love me despite my failures & disappointments.


• God is great. He is beautiful. He is everywhere & in everything. I loved feeling that God was surrounding me, like his earth & his love & his presence were rapping their arms around me.


• Today was beautiful, thunderstorms on & off. It truly is spring. ahhh I love the sounds.


• I get to go to the Elton John/Billy Joel concert tomorrow with my parents. Super stoked.


• I got to talk to Ryan last night before bed, & then again tonight. He said tonight, "Can I call you tomorrow night, please?" That made me smile & feel al bunch of butterflies inside.


• Probably the major thing that had been getting to me was Percy. Well with all the ditching & junk that he put me through this last week, he realized he was being a punk. Today he surprised me at work with a chocolate cake & good meaningful conversation about important things.


• I'm gathering new motivation for exercising again. I wanted to be much closer to the shape I'd like to be in by my bday. That is officially 73 days away. If I push myself for that time period....we'll just have to see how great I'll look. fingers crossed.


• I got my luggage in today at work that I ordered with bonus catalog points...that was exciting. Officially my first luggage of my own.


• Through another bonus, correllating with office production, I got a $150 Visa Gift Card today. Karen said, "There is one guideline for this: you guys use them on something for yourselves." So after work, after immediately activating the card, I headed to the Family Christian Bookstore & purchased my best friend her first bible & a new leather bound small NIV that I can haul around in my purse. I'm super excited. I signed up for their Family savings plan thing & got an additional leather bound NT NIV for $5. Apparently by signing up I saved $20. All of that excited me. However I did have to show much restraint in that store & to really tear myself outa there....almost bought an $80 Greek/Hebrew/English bible...oh someday I'll have one. Someday I'll be able to read it...after seminary.


• I went to Fantastic Sams tonight to get my eyebrows done because I was starting to look like a man, so while i was getting that done I made up my mind to get a haircut & got myself some bangs that I've been wanting...picture applies. What do you think? I'm lovin' it....haha McDonald's Theme applies to my hair.


• Then I got to spend the evening with two of my favorite people in the whole world, PB & Alison. We had delicious strawberry shortcake & I got to play with Josiah with the bowling set I got him for his bday. That was fun...he's more into throwing the ball, than tossing....maybe one day I'll be able to teach him real bowling technique. Good night of good food, good company, good convo. Yay :)

Rough Week

I've been having sort of a rough week. It's been getting me down & I DON'T like that. I don't like feeling depressed because it makes me worry if I am falling back into my depression. I think my own personal depression scares me more than anything, ever. Anyway so about my week:

• Lee headed back for Afghanistan & as of last night we knew he got there. Please pray for his safety & the safety of the men around him.
• Ryan, the guy I've been seeing for a few weeks, left for California for a work project that could take up to a few months....I miss him :(
• One of my new best friends, Percy, who I'd just started getting kinda close with, has started ditching me. I'm not really sure what that's all about exactly. It sorta started when I started seeing Ryan. Percy & I have a bit of a history in the dating department..so I'm not exactly sure what that means, or if that's just a coincidence. I know he has a new friend that he likes hanging out with...I just didn't know I was getting replaced. It makes me mad at him & really sad that I don't get to spend my time with him. We have a lot of fun.
• At the end of the month, I'll be moving back in with my parents. I haven't been doing real well on finances & I don't really have an option to stay where I've been for the last year. I'm sad to leave my home, because that's what it's been. Throughout all the crap & bad living situation with my roommate...it's still been my home. My place of independence. My place of solitude. From now on, until I can get back out on my own again, I won't have some of the freedoms that I enjoy now. I will greatly miss that. I am feeling very much like a failure. I know I'm doing this to save money & to get some debt paid off & to get myself back on track, but it doesn't take that feeling of failing away. The arrangements with my parents are more than fair & I'll actually have more freedom than I expected them to give me, not that I really deserve that since I've wasted a good 3,000 dollars of their money over the last year on school.
• That's another thing...failure. I really really really hate seasonal depression. I failed out of all my classes last semester because of it. This semester was no different...I'm just not sure it had all that much to do with depression. At the beginning it did...but then I was better. I have had no motivation for school in a very long time. I HATE LCCC. I'm sick of it. I'm tired of taking classes that have NOTHING to do with what I want to do with my life. College Gen Eds should not exist. High school graduation standards should be raised, to get all of that requirement out of the way. College should be souly about what field you are going to be going into & specializing in that. If I had my way, I'd be in seminary right now. I've failed me, God, & a lot of people who love me because of school. I'm struggling with knowing whether or not that was meant to be. If Lee wouldn't have done like he did in college, he may have never joined the military & be where he is supposed to be now. I always have believed things happen for a reason. Maybe me screwing up happened for a reason...maybe it's supposed to lead me to something else...I just don't know what.
• A week or so ago I decided I was done being unmotivated & I started exercising my body & mind & soul. I planned an hour of exercise a day & an hour of spiritual time a day. That worked for about three days & then all this crap seemed to hit me at once & I'm back where I was. I HATE feeling like I don't want to do anything...I'm realizing that maybe I am falling back into depression a little bit & this time I need to try & get myself out of it with exercise & things that are healthy for me. I just have to get up & do them.

Anyway, I'm done grouching...I need to get some work done & start thinking more positively. I have many things I'm looking forward to...one of which is InterAct tonight. I love InterAct & all the people in it. I really feel like I have comfort & love & acceptance there. I can't wait to be with all of them this evening & hear about how their weeks & lives are going.

You create music in my heart.

Current mood: chill
What is it that I feel for you?
There are facets of single life that are not enjoyable.
Currently I am fully enjoying my pink lemonade flavor.
You hold me without touch, keep me without chains. Never wanted anything so much. Than to drown in your love & not feel your rain. Love me cuz I'm fragile & I thought that I was strong. Well you touch me for a little while, all my fragile strenght is gone. I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that your everythign I need here on the ground. Your neither friend nor foe. The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.
I desperately want to go to the following shows:
Paramore & No Doubt-for paramore
jacks mannequin-any of the upcoming ones
Incubus-im dying to (my sec fav band)
Pointfest-tons of great bands this year.
DMB-already have my ticket, baby.
That's all I can think of ATM.

I will figure this out on my own. But how did we get here? I used to know you so well.
There is something I see in you. It may kill me.
Please, have mercy on me.
All I wanted to feel. All I wanted to do was fall in love outright. I wanted to feel, I wanted to love.
You take me 10 feet off the ground. You tell me that you need me, then you go & cut me down. Tell me that your sorry, didn't think I'd turn around.

I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothing new
I loved you with a fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you

It's time to make our move, I'm shakin' off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal for the life I lead


You start to wonder why you're 'here' not 'there'
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need

There’s someone I’ve been missing I think that they could be The better half of me.They’re in their own place trying to make it right, But I’m tired of justifying So i say to you..Come home,Come home Cause I’ve been waiting for you For so long, For so long.And right now there's a war between the vanities. But all i see is you and me. The fight for you is all I’ve ever known So come home

So much of my life, what I'm feeling, where I've been, Whatever shoes up in life can be found in your lyrics.

I never planned for this, never expected this.

Across the universe will always seem across the universe to me.
I have lived many lifetimes in my lifetime.
You wonder what makes me go? You wonder what makes me move? You wonder what makes me change?

Your last request.

The qualities I'm looking for in a man. This isn't all of it, but it's a lot of things. Here goes:

Someone who-

• knows who they are.
• uses their abilities and interests for God's will.
• open to change-scenery change might be a large part of my life.
• who will be my knight in shining armour to save me from myself & from the world & a lifetime alone & from sadness; even when I feel like I don't need anyone.
• is okay being alone & likes spending some alone time.
• will travel with me.
• will kill the bugs, snakes, rodents when they freak me out.
• enjoys helping other people & does it frequently.
• donates: money, time, effort, etc.
• can support me when I'm down, depressed, sad, when I want to pursue my dreams.
• has short term & long term goals & re-evaluates them frequently enough & periodically.
• will go on drives with me.
• is okay with silence between us when we are together.
• is open & blunt & yet respectful.
• prefers not to fight, but to discuss issues & works on things & takes to heart the effort that I feel is needed from him on my behalf.
• will take me out on date night even when we are knee-deep in kids & stress & will just spend time with me & on me & money on me.
• feels I'm worth it. Whatever "it" is.
• is a Christian, strong in his faith & always trying to grow.
• will pray with me & for me.
• will pray with me @ meals.
• wants to have children with me.
• is open to adoption-because I want to adopt.
• will move me to further contemplation, who will provoke further thought & expansion of ideas.
• challenges me & helps me grow.
• wants to grow alongside me.
• doesn't believe in divorce in the same way that I don't.
• wants to change the world: one act, one service at a time.
• will go on mission trips with me.
• is secure enough to be okay with me discussing him, joking about him in sermons.
• isn't intimidated about me being a minister, but who LOVES that about me.
• will be as adventurous, explorative, excited, & open as I am & with me.
• loves meeting & getting to know new people.
• will cook for me.
• surprises me occassionally with fun events & things I like.
• will learn a language with me.
• will follow me anywhere in the world where I feel like I'm meant to be.
• is humble & who is not vain & tries to remind himself to be humble.
• will dance with me & sing with me.
• likes a variety of music.
• trusts me & doesn't get jealous about my guy friends.
• is a charmer, a sweet talker.
• will never stop pushing me in the right direction.
• will take on challenges with me.
• is an active member of a church.
• will sing to me.
• knows me better than I know myself sometimes.
• loves my family & whose family I can love.
• who is proud to have me @ his side & to show me off.
• will be silly with me.
• makes me laugh.
• will teach me things.
• will cry for me & to me.

That is all for now.

My Prayer courtesy of Sara Bareilles (Gravity)

Current mood:solomn


Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here
'til the moment I'm gone.


You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
than to drown in your love
and not feel your rain.



Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment
into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.


You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while
and all my fragile strength is gone.


Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall
another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.


I live here on my knees
as I try to make you see
that you're everything I think I need
here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe
though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know
is that you're keeping me down
You're keeping me down.


You're on to me and all over.
Something always brings me back to you,
it never takes too long.

After the Late Knight Drive

Current mood: exhausted

Blog I meant to post last night:..


This morning, on the radio I heard Deftones for the first time since Tyler & I broke up. It didn't make me sad. That excited me. I've made leeway.

It amazes me how drastically people can change from what who you thought they were.

I cannot force things. That's not me. In my own way, in my own time life will be.

Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?

I've been in this place before, things don't turn out as we expect, predict, or even want.

You will be hurt in the process.

I wore my hair straight tonight. I miss it.

Some random facts about me:
I love art. At one point I considered going into Art History, I even wanted to become a curator for an Art Museum.

I love to read. Some of my favorite authors in no particular order: Stephanie Meyer, C.S. Lewis, J.K. Rowling, Janet Evanovich, Dan Brown, Jane Austen, Tony Jones.

I plan to become a Christian minister. I'm not big on denominations, but it'll most likely go through American Baptist Churches, basically because that's what I was raised as. For my Masters in Divinity I plan to go to Northern Baptist Theological Seminary in Lombard, IL. I am currently undecided where I want to get my bachelors & in what. On the road to that, I would like to do a "Youth With A Mission" "Discipleship Training School".I want to move from IL, I've wanted that for a very long time now. I'm highly considering The University of the Nations. I just need to find out if the degrees they offer will be accredited & if NBTS will accept their degrees. If so...I'm ready to leave tomorrow if I can get in. I want to spend a good portion of my life doing mission work in the name of my Savior.

I've become an insomniac. I very much do not like that.

I have very vivid dreams, very often. I love to discuss dreams.

I am scared of myself more than anyone else or anything else. Only my actions, beliefs, feelings, only I can determine where I spend my eternity.

I have lost trust in people in general within the past few months. Several of the people closest to me have hurt me drastically. I don't like the effect it has had on me.

I was on the varsity bowling team in high school all four years. I miss bowling.

I have a theory about schizophrenia.

I feel a very strong connection to the spiritual realm.

I really hate it when people take advantage of me.

If only I could win the lottery. Oh the good things I would do for people in this world.

I am not afraid to die. I am very excited about it actually. I want to spend eternity with my Savior outside of this physical world. Lately this has caused me to develop a fixation with the process of dying, the moments when it happens.

I think radio stations aren't original enough. They play the same songs by the same bands, over & over until you hate the songs. It's annoying.

I am a cereal fanatic.

I still sleep with my teddy bear, Bear Bear. He knows me just like Lady does, just like God does. A part of me is in each of them. Just as I have left a part of my soul with Jordan & with Tyler. I will cry & be completely devastated when Lady dies, if I ever lose Bear Bear.

I prefer to be friends with guys rather than girls. For the most part, they are more simple.

I need a new DVD player. Mine broke months ago. Coincidently I don't get to enjoy as many movies alone anymore.

Within the past few months, I've slightly taken up the hobby of scrapbooking. I like it because it makes me feel more girly, because it's something that you can see a cool result from, & because it gives me time to think.

I don't really dance around other people. I am very insecure in this area. I just feel like a dumb white girl with no rhythm.

I am jealous of people who sing well, dance well, draw/paint well.

That is all for now.

Some thoughts from the other day

I want something simple, something easy, something real. I've had to work at things for too long, I want something effortlessly amazing. I felt that I could have that with someone. I didn't understand his reservations & holding back. I wanted to knock some sense into his brain. I thought he was thinking about things too much. I wanted him to just go with it, experience it. I thought, "Why hold back in life? You only get one change at it."

I've realized since then that his reservations are more realistic than my feelings. I'm glad he has them, because I now feel the same way he does. Neither one of us are ready for that at this point in our lives. We have to much to grow, to experience, to learn about ourselves.

When I have a connection with people, it frustrates me when that connection is denied or postponed or not nutured. That applies to anyone in my life.

They say you don't know what you've got until it's gone. That has never applied to me. I always realize how great something is & fully appreciate it.

I've never lost faith in love.

Who I am, Who I'm not, & Who I want to be.

Why'd you have to wait? You found me.

There are some qualities that I posses that I am trying to mature from & discard: overeagerness, I fall too hard, too fast; childish tendencies: when I want something I have to have it, now.

I have realized that I am a very open person, with practically everyone. The person that I would really like to be with is pretty much the complete opposite. Is it bad to be so open with people?
Does that cause me to trust people too easily? Too quickly? What does cause that, if not my openness?

Do I need to move?

There have been a few things that have been weighing on my mind over the past few weeks. Things that only involve me, my God's will for my life, & my future.

I feel that God is leading me to do a YWAM DTS somewhere far away from home, for at least a 6 month period of time. Lord, take me out of my comfort; teach me, lead me, strengthen me, help me do great things in your name.

Lyrics from Revelation from Third Day that express my hearts yearning: Tell me, should I stay here? Or do I need to move?..Won't you show me where to go...

I have been considering going into ministry for about 3 years now. I finally made up my mind this past year that I will no longer fight my calling, but to interpret it. I feel that I am meant for missionary work. Possibly something involving China or Vietnam, or other places that Christianity is against the law & persecuted. I want to make a difference to the struggling Christians there & be a part of growing their faith & their underground church so that maybe some day it doesn't have to hidden & persecuted.I also feel that eventually I will be in pastoral ministry.

I long for these things with every bone in my body. I am considering dropping my whole life & everything I have here after this semester & heading out to start my journey with a distant DTS. Heading out of town, away from everything & everyone I know, to things & places & people greater than me.

Christians sacrifice their personal dreams for God's will. My will is finally becoming aligned with God's. Praise the Lord.