I believe ALWAYS

Sunday, May 24, 2009
Current mood: contemplative

I allowed God to break down a personal comfort barrier today.
When you push yourself, you grow stronger.



Meet my weaknesses with your infinite strength.
Meet my hurts with your healing touch.
Meet my doubts with your compassionate truth.
Meet my apathy with anticipation for Jesus' return.
Meet my excuses with your challenge to grow up in my faith.
Meet my pride with your overwhelming glory.
Meet my guilt with your forgiving love.
Meet my darkness with your shadow-chasing light.
Meet my sorrow with your uplifting joy.
Meet my prayer with a fresh breath of your Spirit.



Holy Spirit, use us.
Use us to demonstrate the extent of your love.
Use us to accomplish your work in this world.
Use us to help each other love you better.
Use us to help people know Jesus.
Holy Spirit, use us.

I should go & this should end.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Current mood:conflicted

I don't know what I want. I take that back, I know exactly what I want. I just can't have exactly what I want. I can either settle for one thing or another.

Someone once told me that I make things more difficult in life than need be. That same person also told me that people chose the easiest option. That part of me that makes things more difficult, is the same part of me that hates being like everyone else & strays from the norm, just to be something special, something different, something uniquely me. This is my rebellion. This is my individuality. My independence. My path.

I don't know. You couldn't.

Only three strings hold me back. How thin are they? How strong? Every ounce of my being pushes against them. Pushes to the road less travelled. Will I cut them? What will I allow myself to risk? Will I allow myself to risk? Or will I allow the strings to become stronger & the push less?

Sight is stronger than any word.

Could this song fit any better? Dave always speaks to/for me.

To change the world, start with one step
However small, the first step is hardest of all
Once you get your gait, you'll be walkin' tall
You said you never did, cuz you might die tryin'
Cuz you might die tryin', cuz you...

If you close your eyes cuz the house is on fire
And think you couldn't move until fire dies
The things you never did, oh, cuz you might die tryin'
Cuz you might die tryin', you'd be as good as dead
Cuz you might die tryin', cuz you might die tryin'

If you give, you begin to live
If you give, you begin to live
You begin, you get the world
If you give, you begin to live
You get the world, you get the world
If you give,YOU BEGIN TO LIVE, YOU MIGHT DIE TRYIN'
Oh you might die tryin', you might die tryin'
The things you never did, oh cuz you might die tryin'
You'd be as good as dead
The things you never did


Safe? or Extraordinary?

Have I ever taken a risk in my whole life?

I find some peace tonight. In the arms of an angel, fly away from here.

Currently listening:
Stand Up
By Dave Matthews Band
Release date: 2005-05-10

gonna make such fools of ourselves

Monday, May 18, 2009
Current mood: adventurous

I have officially found the strength that I needed. I have overcome some difficult temptation & I am very proud of myself for it. I will continue on this path as my life/my soul does depend upon it.

How in the hell did I get myself into a long distance relationship? Oh I know...starting to date & like him before he left for Cali 4 a bit....Anyway, despite that...I find myself enjoying this facet of my life. He'll be home soon enough & I can finally look in his eyes, hug, & kiss him again. I can't wait.

So on Facebook I created one of those "How well do you know Jenna Nelson" quizzes. I made the questions really tricky. My best friend got a 33%. Ergo, good luck world. LOLZ.---it just made me giggle to type LOLZ

Got to see my best friend's face tonight for the first time in a long time thanks to Skype. What a wonderful invention. What a blessing. I am officially going to buy a webcam to attach onto my laptop tomorrow. I need more time like that with KTK, my best friend & love of my life & soul mate.

Random fun fact: my favorite color combination is brown & light blue/teal. Has been for a long time. Hasn't changed. Just got my new bible in that layout. That excites me.

I am finding my way back to old friends & completely loving it.

This is one prominent time when being an insomniac sucks hardcore. I have to work at 8:30 in the morning & it is now 2am...& here I linger. I guess I ought to try the whole "going to bed" thing. Much love, out.



Currently listening:
Twilight Soundtrack
Release date: 2008-11-04

Transformation

So earlier I discussed several reasons why I've been having a tough week. Now you'll see how my week was turned around with one spectacular day.

• People in my life still love me despite my failures & disappointments.


• God is great. He is beautiful. He is everywhere & in everything. I loved feeling that God was surrounding me, like his earth & his love & his presence were rapping their arms around me.


• Today was beautiful, thunderstorms on & off. It truly is spring. ahhh I love the sounds.


• I get to go to the Elton John/Billy Joel concert tomorrow with my parents. Super stoked.


• I got to talk to Ryan last night before bed, & then again tonight. He said tonight, "Can I call you tomorrow night, please?" That made me smile & feel al bunch of butterflies inside.


• Probably the major thing that had been getting to me was Percy. Well with all the ditching & junk that he put me through this last week, he realized he was being a punk. Today he surprised me at work with a chocolate cake & good meaningful conversation about important things.


• I'm gathering new motivation for exercising again. I wanted to be much closer to the shape I'd like to be in by my bday. That is officially 73 days away. If I push myself for that time period....we'll just have to see how great I'll look. fingers crossed.


• I got my luggage in today at work that I ordered with bonus catalog points...that was exciting. Officially my first luggage of my own.


• Through another bonus, correllating with office production, I got a $150 Visa Gift Card today. Karen said, "There is one guideline for this: you guys use them on something for yourselves." So after work, after immediately activating the card, I headed to the Family Christian Bookstore & purchased my best friend her first bible & a new leather bound small NIV that I can haul around in my purse. I'm super excited. I signed up for their Family savings plan thing & got an additional leather bound NT NIV for $5. Apparently by signing up I saved $20. All of that excited me. However I did have to show much restraint in that store & to really tear myself outa there....almost bought an $80 Greek/Hebrew/English bible...oh someday I'll have one. Someday I'll be able to read it...after seminary.


• I went to Fantastic Sams tonight to get my eyebrows done because I was starting to look like a man, so while i was getting that done I made up my mind to get a haircut & got myself some bangs that I've been wanting...picture applies. What do you think? I'm lovin' it....haha McDonald's Theme applies to my hair.


• Then I got to spend the evening with two of my favorite people in the whole world, PB & Alison. We had delicious strawberry shortcake & I got to play with Josiah with the bowling set I got him for his bday. That was fun...he's more into throwing the ball, than tossing....maybe one day I'll be able to teach him real bowling technique. Good night of good food, good company, good convo. Yay :)

Rough Week

I've been having sort of a rough week. It's been getting me down & I DON'T like that. I don't like feeling depressed because it makes me worry if I am falling back into my depression. I think my own personal depression scares me more than anything, ever. Anyway so about my week:

• Lee headed back for Afghanistan & as of last night we knew he got there. Please pray for his safety & the safety of the men around him.
• Ryan, the guy I've been seeing for a few weeks, left for California for a work project that could take up to a few months....I miss him :(
• One of my new best friends, Percy, who I'd just started getting kinda close with, has started ditching me. I'm not really sure what that's all about exactly. It sorta started when I started seeing Ryan. Percy & I have a bit of a history in the dating department..so I'm not exactly sure what that means, or if that's just a coincidence. I know he has a new friend that he likes hanging out with...I just didn't know I was getting replaced. It makes me mad at him & really sad that I don't get to spend my time with him. We have a lot of fun.
• At the end of the month, I'll be moving back in with my parents. I haven't been doing real well on finances & I don't really have an option to stay where I've been for the last year. I'm sad to leave my home, because that's what it's been. Throughout all the crap & bad living situation with my roommate...it's still been my home. My place of independence. My place of solitude. From now on, until I can get back out on my own again, I won't have some of the freedoms that I enjoy now. I will greatly miss that. I am feeling very much like a failure. I know I'm doing this to save money & to get some debt paid off & to get myself back on track, but it doesn't take that feeling of failing away. The arrangements with my parents are more than fair & I'll actually have more freedom than I expected them to give me, not that I really deserve that since I've wasted a good 3,000 dollars of their money over the last year on school.
• That's another thing...failure. I really really really hate seasonal depression. I failed out of all my classes last semester because of it. This semester was no different...I'm just not sure it had all that much to do with depression. At the beginning it did...but then I was better. I have had no motivation for school in a very long time. I HATE LCCC. I'm sick of it. I'm tired of taking classes that have NOTHING to do with what I want to do with my life. College Gen Eds should not exist. High school graduation standards should be raised, to get all of that requirement out of the way. College should be souly about what field you are going to be going into & specializing in that. If I had my way, I'd be in seminary right now. I've failed me, God, & a lot of people who love me because of school. I'm struggling with knowing whether or not that was meant to be. If Lee wouldn't have done like he did in college, he may have never joined the military & be where he is supposed to be now. I always have believed things happen for a reason. Maybe me screwing up happened for a reason...maybe it's supposed to lead me to something else...I just don't know what.
• A week or so ago I decided I was done being unmotivated & I started exercising my body & mind & soul. I planned an hour of exercise a day & an hour of spiritual time a day. That worked for about three days & then all this crap seemed to hit me at once & I'm back where I was. I HATE feeling like I don't want to do anything...I'm realizing that maybe I am falling back into depression a little bit & this time I need to try & get myself out of it with exercise & things that are healthy for me. I just have to get up & do them.

Anyway, I'm done grouching...I need to get some work done & start thinking more positively. I have many things I'm looking forward to...one of which is InterAct tonight. I love InterAct & all the people in it. I really feel like I have comfort & love & acceptance there. I can't wait to be with all of them this evening & hear about how their weeks & lives are going.